What is your craving? Do you have one?
For a long time, mine was chocolate.
Of course! Who doesn’t like chocolate?
I thought it was because I liked it, but it wasn’t.
What if I told you there is a deeper meaning to these cravings?
I still love chocolate, but that sneaky feeling of wanting a piece of chocolate after dinner had nothing to do with the taste.
I was overwhelmed and tired and already thinking about what I was supposed to do the day after. I needed a break, and I didn’t even enjoy what I was eating.
The taste of the chocolate was mixed with guilt and shame. I told myself, “I deserve to relax.”, but I felt “not enough.”.
Sometimes it happened during the day, like a moment to catch my breath.
Let’s go back to the sneaky feeling. Do you have something that you can’t stop yourself from doing?
Before sugar, for me, it was picking at my skin. I couldn’t stop. I always started from a small blackhead to arrive to have my face red and irritated.
The sugar led to being overweight. So I had one more excuse not to like myself. Picking at my skin became a reason for not having any social contact.
What do these two habits have in common?
My overwhelming feeling of constantly needing to please others to be loved.
Why?
I never learned to ground myself and to receive.
My mother was going through a difficult time when I was born. I didn’t receive that nourishment and deep contact I desperately needed. I was starving, craving to obtain love. I tried to be loved by being a “good girl” and a successful student. Once I became a teenager, I used my body to receive attention and appreciation. Unfortunately, as you can imagine, that kind of “love” was never fulfilling.
I was loved because…
Because the needs of others always came before my own.
Because “no” was not part of my vocabulary.
Because my priority was to please.
That was not what I was looking for, but I didn’t know it at the time. That “because” could not have been enough at any moment and left me alone with my emptiness, which happened many times.
One day, on my way to the kitchen cabinet, I stopped, and instead of running away from my emptiness, I sat down. I was holding my breath. My energy was contracted and away from the lower part of my body.
My hands went naturally to my lower abdomen, just under my belly button.
I started taking deep, slow breaths, perceiving the part of me that felt alone and deprived. I imagined roots from my feet connecting to Mother Earth. I let Her energy up through my legs and into my body and continued to breathe, connecting with the Earth and myself.
Running away from my feelings seized, and I was looking at my emotions with compassion and understanding. I was not judging myself but instead embraced my wholeness.
My energy expanded and I felt fulfilled, not from a compliment, the appreciation of someone else, or a piece of chocolate, but from my own Light.
That was the first step to learning to love me and let my heart expand. One moment at a time, one day at a time.
